Well, this was a big day at our household...not because anything happened but because NOTHING happened! This was the day in my first pregnancy when Ben arrived unexpectedly, so every day we make it beyond today means a bigger, healthier baby than what we saw the first time around. Up until that fateful day in my 24th week, we had no idea that the pregnancy was anything but normal and NO idea that you could deliver a baby that early and hope for it to survive, much less thrive. I actually wrote out the entire story in detail soon after Ben's birth just to sort out what happened that day but it's still too upsetting for me to read, so I'll share the abridged version...
I woke up like normal on a Sunday morning but noticed about an hour later that something felt very strange. I called the doctor (my regular doctor's partner was the one on call that weekend) and tried to explain but since I didn't know exactly what I was feeling I think I did a poor job of relating the symptoms. He reassured me that it sounded like something normal, encouraged me to take it easy, and just kept my regularly scheduled checkup with my doctor for the following day. Matt and I already had plans to see the Astros play and I figured I could sit at Minute Maid Park as easily as I could sit on the couch so we decided to go. Probably not the best decision I've ever made but hindsight is 20/20. Next bad decision - a big chili cheese dog. After the 7th inning I got up for the first time and went to the bathroom and saw a little blood. Then there was no denying something was going very wrong. We dropped our neighbors off at home and went to the hospital to find out what was happening. All I took was my purse and a magazine because I really thought I'd be home that night, no other possibilities had even crossed my mind. I think it was about 5 or 6pm.
I started off in the admitting room on the labor & delivery floor and they took urine and blood samples and hooked me up to fetal heartbeat and contraction monitors. I was very surprised to see that I was having contractions because I wasn't feeling anything. The nurses were on the phone with the doctor and started giving me regular shots to stop the contractions but they had no effect. When one of the nurses finally examined me, she quietly left the room and asked another nurse to get a second opinion. That's when the entire mood in the room shifted and suddenly everyone working with me was in crisis mode. It turns out I was fully dilated and the bag of waters was actually protruding through like an hourglass, as they called it. That's what I had felt that morning but couldn't adequately describe because I had no idea what it could possibly have been.
The rest of the night is pretty much a blur. The doctor arrived shortly after and told me I would be in bed for the rest of the pregnancy. I remember asking if I could still go full-term...ha! They tilted the foot of the bed up so that gravity would help take pressure off the bag of waters and I strongly regretted that chili cheese dog from the baseball game because I got the worst heartburn of my life. One sweet nurse who was a true angel that night kept coming in to take blood or give me various shots, including steroids to hopefully help mature Ben's lungs. The contractions had become painful but slowed down enough so that I didn't feel them although they never stopped. The resident neonatologist came to talk to us and very candidly told us what we could expect if the baby arrived at 24 weeks - 50% chance of survival, non-functioning lungs, liver, and intestines, but a good chance of catching up developmentally by kindergarten. Matt and I just stared at each other. Kindergarten??? Like 5 years later??? But he was completely honest with us and we really respected the fact that he didn't give us any false hope.
By this time our parents were at the hospital as well and we'd talked to everyone and prayed a lot. I had no idea what to pray, I think because I was so shocked and pretty overwhelmed by everything. There was really nothing else to be done but hope gravity would eventually pull the bag back in and an emergency cerclage could later help hold the baby in. It was getting late, maybe 10 or 11?, so the doctor told us to try and get some sleep and let everyone go home. I had been admitted to the hospital but the floor was entirely full so I was still in the admitting room with other moms in labor coming in and out. Matt and I were still staring at one another in shock when I felt my water break. Lots of phone calls were made and everyone who'd just left turned around and came right back to the hospital.
An earlier ultrasound had shown that Ben was in the breech position, so the doctor ordered a c-section. I was quickly prepped and wheeled into the OR and it seems like Ben was out in no time. He cried like a tiny kitten and looked like a red, angry old man when they showed him to us, then he was whisked off to the NICU to be stabilized for a ride downtown to Texas Children's. Unfortunately, the epidural made me sick (think chili cheese dog AGAIN) so I was throwing up through the entire procedure and in my room later when they wheeled Ben's incubator in before he made his trip. I have very little memory of him that night. It would be 3 days before I got released from St. Luke's and was able to travel to Texas Children's to see him again, and 3 weeks before I could actually hold him.
Looking back now I have no idea how we made it through the experience other than the sheer grace of God. I have no doubt now that He will give us the strength required to meet unexpected challenges in the very moments we need it most. He will also use family and friends to meet our concrete needs during those times, and we never could have made it without them.
We've also seen that we were blessed in many unexpected ways:
-We enjoyed our pregnancy up until the day it ended because we were blissfully unaware there were problems. Would I rather have known and done something about it? Of course. But at least I got to enjoy every minute of being pregnant for the first time.
-By having a c-section, Ben's delicate little head didn't endure the trauma of a natural birth and as a result he had NO bleeding in his brain. That's a miracle for a 24 week preemie.
-Since my doctor's partner was on call, both he and my regular doctor performed the c-section. Between them they have overseen about 18,000 deliveries over 35-40 years. That's the kind of experience you want when you're having an emergency operation.
-That tiny cry and angry expression on Ben's face meant he was a tough little guy and actually got low but passing apgar scores at birth. His stubbornness and determination (so obvious now!) helped him thrive in a harsh and unnatural environment for months when he should have still been protected in the womb.
I felt tremendous guilt for failing my little baby on my first day as a mother and I've of course questioned all kinds of things wondering if I could have changed the outcome. But the fact remains that God planned for Ben to show up early but He also planned to show us how well He could protect and bless our little boy, so all we could do was stand by and watch. We just had to have faith. And thank goodness, day by day and at every major milestone, Ben proved that he could overcome the odds he faced and he came home to us a week after his due date.
Whenever I tell anyone about Ben's birth, I never feel like I can adequately explain the enormous risks he faced and how incredibly fortunate he is to not have developed so much as an infection while he was in the hospital. We watched other babies die, undergo life-altering surgeries, and even celebrate birthdays while still living in the NICU. Yet somehow our little fighter made it through relatively unscathed.
I'm really terrified at the thought of sending another baby into the NICU, especially for months at a time. As far as modern medicine has come, there is absolutely no substitute for a mother's womb and the nurturing and protection it provides. My constant prayer is that I can keep this baby with me as long as possible so that he doesn't have to experience what his older brother had to suffer through. Every kick is a reminder that I'm carrying a precious new life and I really hope his arrival is a day full of joy and celebration instead of shock and uncertainty. Please remember us in your prayers in the coming days and weeks and hopefully months as this little guy grows.
And don't worry, the next post will be happy again :)
